Excerpt from Broken Pieces by Erwin McManus...

WHAT WHOLENESS LOOKS LIKE

Don’t confuse wholeness with perfection. For me a functional definition of wholeness is simply “a person who can give more than they receive.”

A person who is emotionally broken tends to see others only for the support they can receive. The greater the brokenness, the less they contribute to the relationships and the more they take. Major evidence of emotional health and wholeness is that you can contribute to the lives and welfare of others. Spiritually whole individuals consider others as more important than themselves.

Selfishness and greed pull at all of us, but they find justification in our pain. This is why the journey to emotional health seems at first glance counterintuitive. Our natural inclination is to continuously attempt to meet the needs of hurting people. Our Christian faith certainly commends us to be a people of compassion. The danger comes when we find ourselves feeding an ungrateful spirit.

The first step on the pathway to wholeness is through the development of gratitude.

For years I felt obligated to meet needs on demand. I wanted to help people get better. Spending nearly ten years working among the urban poor I was constantly faced with unending crisis and expectations. While we did a great deal to serve people it became clear we were not helping them. Not only were we unable to provide for everyone in need, but the same people would return with the same issues again and again.

I will never forget the insight a homeless man gave me one day. He approached our car asking for money or food. Kim offered him my lunch, consisting of a sandwich and chips. Without hesitation he looked into our car, pointed to my soup, and demanded that also. Not one ounce of gratitude.

He helped me begin to see the relationship between gratitude and wholeness. Jesus gives us insight into this when he explains to Simon the Pharisee who is incensed that Jesus would allow an immoral woman to anoint his feet that where there is more forgiveness there is more love. He was speaking to the miracle of gratitude. Gratitude expands both our capacity to love and to experience love.

Helping someone to grow in gratitude is relational art. Beauty results from a firm but gentle stoke of the brush. This is not a work for those who prefer to use hammers and nails. If a person is a believer a good place to begin is the cross. Considering His sacrifice for us how much more does Jesus need to do for us to be eternally grateful? It is critical to help a person to come to grip with the fact that what we deserve is nothing. Every year we have interns who come out to California. For several weeks every assignment that is given them feels thankless and beneath them. They are often educated, bright, the cream of the crop, and are used to being lavished with public praise and even adoration. No public ministry is made available to them. Then we begin to promote the ones who respond with continued gratitude and not on the basis of superior talent.

Usually about mid summer we have a crisis! When a person is ungrateful as a pattern we focus on three areas. Listen to your life stories and note how many negative memories you have. Find something in your history to thank God for. Second even when life is tough there is something of beauty to see if you look hard enough. Do not let pessimism create a pervasive sense of despair. Thank God for the flowers, the sunrise, the air you breathe, or something. Thirdly sacrifice for and serve someone more needy than you feel or even really are. I know when my little girl Mariah wept over the poverty in Indonesia she had an entirely different perspective of how rich we were.

Brokenness can be the result of many things such as abuse, neglect, abandonment, trauma, or sin. Emotional fragmentation can be the consequence of our own actions or the actions of others. We could be either victim or victimizer. Most often we have a dual role. Hurt people hurt people. When brokenness is dominantly the result of being victimized it makes the road to recovery more difficult to embrace. Why? Bitterness. Bitterness that is well deserved is difficult to release. Bitterness is a guarantee for depression and despair. Bitterness forces you to live in the past. Hope requires you to focus on the future. Only forgiveness sets you free. Forgiveness is a declaration of hope. Forgiveness is an act of love. It is the response of a heart full of gratitude. Bitterness is the ugly stepsister of brokenness. Bitterness breed’s ungratefulness and gratitude is the key to healing and wholeness.

When a person is emotionally fragmented alienation becomes their theme. Pessimism becomes pervasive. Often they are convinced no one loves them or even cares. Even when the tears of those who love them are free-flowing, they still feel they are alone. They seem incapable of experiencing or even perceiving love. Perspective is a fascinating thing. It impacts everything. Perspective is not formed in a vacuum. It is the expression of our measure of gratitude. Grateful people are thankful for what they have and enter with minimal expectations of others. They see the glass half full since they expected nothing and are thankful for what is given to them. A person who is ungrateful wonders who took the other half of their drink. All of us struggle with selfishness but brokenness justifies it. Ungratefulness creates unreasonable expectations. Whatever is done is expected. It is never enough. An ungrateful person cannot be made grateful by meeting their demands. Until a person is willing to appreciate life, serve others, and even sacrifice of their own possessions they will never find the healing they so long for and need. The pathway to wholeness is the development of gratitude. Gratitude is the beginning of the ethos from which wholeness emerges.

i promised pictures so here are some for your viewing pleasure~

this is a pic of the students i used to teach on tuesdays and thursdays. they're a cute bunch; really fun and frustrating to teach. it was a tough job but it was a good experience~

this is °æ¼±ÀÌ´©³ª (kyeongseon). she helped me a lot during my time here. right now, she's in edmonton taking a semester at this english language program. haha, i was actually the one that gave her her english name: michelle song. has a nice ring to it .

the first picture without me is kyeongseon's sister minjee (¹ÎÁö). she was the first name in korea that i could actually remember. there's a minjee in my church in toronto, that's why..

next is a pic with me and Å¿õ (tae-oong), my dad's friend's son. we went to jeju island  during one of my breaks and took this pic. the sun being in my eyes explains the hardcore squintage going on there.

ahh, the ¼ÛÇý±³ shrine. i'm such a geek, haha. this was taken at the "all in" set at jeju island. yeah, it's pretty cool.. moving on now...

my cousin jihoon. i lived with him for six months before moving into residence at seoul national university. spent lots of good times, chilling and watching soccer and stuff. we wasted a good number of days playing video games. those were the days, hehe...

this was taken a long long time ago but it's of tim and grace at grace's brother's wedding. that was the only time i met tim and the last time i saw grace but yea, the wedding was a memorable day ^^.

from the same day, mr. peter hwang and michelle kim. good ole kcfers...

here we have hannah chang and pamela shin. i met them last summer in the weirdest of circumstances. i had never met or heard of them before but one connection lead to another and we ended up chilling one sunday. right now, hannah's serving at the church i went to in toronto and pam's at school with ole buddy jeremy in law school.

last but not least, we have kcf pres ms. sarah yoo! she came out to visit korea with her mother and even though we met for just a short time, it was a very blessed visit. we just shared about what's been going on in our respective lives and fellowships, just encouraging one another like that. we went a little phone camera crazy during one point hehe. all in all it was a good night out.

hey guys~

i haven't updated in a long time; my bad.. writing on xanga can be stressful sometimes.

anyways, here's a little of what's going on with me these days:

- i decided on attending seoul national university for the time being. i still have this desire to go back to canada but i decided to at least try this place out for a while and see what it's like before making any firm decisions. so far, it's been an okay experience but i'm slowly finding myself slipping into bad habits from first year in toronto so that's one thing i need to be aware of. the last thing i want and need is a horrible report card because of my laziness to do work. even though i say that though, it's been really really hard to be motivated to do any work. when i was in high school, getting high marks meant the possibility of getting into a good university but in university, that doesn't really work so i'm still struggling to find something to get my butt into gear. yeah, school's tough like that...

- still a lot of uncertainty with my future. even though being in a medical program that pretty much guarantees a "bright, successful" future, i still have my doubts over the path i'm currently on. after all, i chose this university not because of the great program that it provided but because in my doubt of my future, this seemed to be the right decision to make at the current time. i still believe that i made the right choice to stay for the moment but as for staying in the long term, i have my doubts over that..

i chatted with my parents about that recently and they still seem pretty frustrated and upset that i'm still harbouring thoughts about going back. it's quite sad that my desire to be able to make my own decisions and their desire to keep from making stupid mistakes in my freedom is still causing so much conflict and pain between us. it's near impossible to really have a fulfilling relationship when one of the sides is always trying to change the other, which i find us doing. so i wonder: how i will ever be able to really give my life to god with my parents breathing down my neck? i had to surrender so much of myself in order to submit myself to my parents in this decision to stay but must i continue to live for their pleasure as if i were living just to glorify them? much of the self inside of me screams 'of course not, you live for youself! take a stand!' but the Spirit inside of me whispers 'honour your mother and father, for this pleases the Lord.' man, it's hard to know what to do in such circumstances...

- spiritually, it's been rough in many ways. i'm still serving these days but it feels like i'm serving on empty. there's a lot of things swirling around in my mind from school to relationships to health, and i think they've really been taking it's toll on me. even though i go to early morning prayer at church (i have to wake up at 5:30am~), it's so hard for me to pray and to be filled by Him. i'm in a really dangerous state since being one of the youth ministry leaders, i have a responsibility to stay in fellowship with Jesus. but having said that, it's so much easier said than done -_-;;. i'm soooo thirsty and hungry for god's presence and word to the point where i'm dying of spiritual malnutrition and there seems to be no one i can turn to.

yeah, trying to maintain a christian lifestyle in korea, where everyone seems to be fending for themselves, is sometimes too hard to bear. now i can sort of empathize with paul when he was preaching in greece all alone, without titus and timothy. he pleaded that they come quickly to keep him from stumbling; the greatest warrior of the christian faith needed his friends to keep him from falling. we look around everywhere and it's hard to have hope and faith when all we see is drunkenness, sexual immorality, hate, etc. i wish i could say that i'm deep enough in my faith to stand up against the enemy's attacks but i admit that i still need so much more discipleship and feeding. i wish there was someone who could take me under their wing and train me to be a man of God, like paul did for timothy. maybe i'm not worthy for such an honour... it's on my prayer list for sure.

- i don't even know who reads this site anymore. when i write, i write to those few in toronto who care about me (thanks guys ^^), to my brothers in vancouver, to my stand teachers and students, to those other brothers and sisters in christ who encourage me through the experiences that they share over xanga, and to those friends who wonder what going on in this strange, christian mind of mine .

please pray for me~

i'll keep you guys more updated in the future.

ray 

Hello.

Wow, it's been such a long time since I've updated on Xanga. I can't believe it's already been over two months since I've written on Xanga--TWO MONTHS! That's like going two months without practicing the guitar: it's a hassle and when you start up again you suck but after a while you just realize that you can't live without it. It's a bad analogy but I don't care; it just feels good to actually update this thing.

I don't even remember entirely what happened over the past two months but I can say that it's been a pretty unpleasant ride. I didn't tell many people this but to make a long story short, I got into the pre-medical program over at Seoul National University over here, the "Harvard of Korea". Unsurprisingly, that news brought on celebration within the whole Chae family... except for myself however. I envisioned that after my time here in Korea, that I'd go back to Toronto to settle down and do some other engineering, attend my church there more seriously, serve at my second-generation Korean fellowship there, and chill by speaking English. In comes this obstacle, any Korean parents' dream, and there began months of physical, mental and spiritual battle over a decision. Sounds fun eh?

The conclusion is still in process believe it or not. My mind has changed a few times during this period, after hearing different opinions and thoughts, and it's been frustrating not being able to sit with a firm decision. I've told many people that I've already decided to go one way but as of now, it appears that I'll be going the other way. So I'll spare you the final conclusion until it is 'final' final. But I'll remember to let you guys in on that...

Because of this process, the past few months have been spent much in lonely isolation. I knew that no one could make this decision for me but at the same time, I was in such a helpless state that I couldn't not turn to others for their support. Even though I did that, I found no solutions and little comfort, even though I greatly appreciated the help of those who offered to give it. It didn't help that at the same time, teaching was becoming increasingly more difficult, serving in church began to take more hours of the day, school was getting harder, and the days were getting colder as well. I was being stretched to my deepest limits and it hurt a lot. Also, being the leader/teacher/Christian that I am, I refused to let others into my space of weakness, which really only deepened the hurt. I thought that since no one could help me, I wouldn't have to trust anyone with me. After all, if no one could help me and I have the potential to be hurt more by trusting others then it'd be better to take this journey alone, I concluded. Yes, very lonely times..

But God has been really using this struggle to help me have a greater glimpse of Him by refining me through this consuming fire of an experience. In the midst of my loneliness and pain, God has been revealing so much more of Himself and so more of myself to me. He saw the things inside of me that He wants to see die and certainly sent down enough flame in the form of circumstances to see them slowly burn away. He's bringing me closer to Him and to others in a way I don't quite understand but in a way that I am so very thankful for. Even now, I know He's using this circumstance to mold me into the likeness of His Son..

Not writing on Xanga could have possibly have been because of that fear of exposure but I'm glad that I wrote today to just let those who still hold some sort of interest in me know just what kind of the things that are going down in my life as of now.

As a favour, if you guys could just pray that God would give me more faith to trust in Him more and to hear His voice more clearly in this circumstance, I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks guys..

.. and I promise to post some pictures on the next entry

ray

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.... Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."
     - James 1:2-4, 12

Just this past Saturday, I tagged along with the youth worship team to do outreach at the elderly home run by Onnuri Church. Originally, I just showed up in the morning to get some guitar practice in and to make sure my fellow teenagers weren't being too rowdy during practice (even though, ironically, I was probably the rowdiest haha; some example I am eh?). Apparently, God had more in store for me for the day and had an awesome time serving and chilling.

Here's some pics:

 
To begin with we have Ms. Alice Pang, my boss. She's probably going to shoot me because this is a "bad photo" of her (even though I strongly disagree), but doesn't she look so diligent? Awesome woman of God we have here..

 
Next, we have Joel. What can I say, the ribbon's just smashing, haha.

Up next is the rock, Peter. Yeah, he just came out of the woman's room.. This guy rocks on drums (haha, get it?)

Here we have Hanna Lee carrying a vacuum cleaner. She makes holding a vacuum look fashionable, haha.

Next is tree hugging Rae Wong. Yeah, her name and mine sound the same but why is it that my name is always misspelled as Rae... I wish I could sing like Rae does.

Here we have lead worshipper Toby Wong enjoying his pizza. This guy puts my guitar skills to shame and if I, of all people, can say that this guy's young, then he's YOUNG, haha. I love this dude.

Next we have group photos:

The guys. We rock, haha.

Some of the ladies. The girl behind Rae's arm is Angie, another backup singer. Rae and Angie are the go-to ladies for singing; they make a good combo.

The ladies chilling outside the men's room. Looks like Toby just finished business, haha.

Don't they look so cute?

To end it off, a group photo of almost everyone.